hey its christmas!

i just realized now that i am in a weird place now. just yesterday i felt happy but suddenly i dont feel so happy anymore.

in as much as i would like to blame that its christmas and i feel like nothing exciting is happening. thats not it. i mean... the trigger might be that but i got frustrated seeing as how a lot of the other people i know got so far already while i am still at the point where i am now.

is it because luck? i really cant say.

i dont know... maybe its because i have been waiting to celebrate the holidays somewhere else... somewhere new... hmmm but i dont know... its also fun to spend it with your family...

i got to watch the movie everybody's fine.. i didnt know it was a good movie... it really was! i was hoping to spend xmas something like that.. wherein me and my siblings live far from each and we would see each other on holiday at home.. exchange stories.. hmmm... thats just a thought...

ok that is enough for now... just random thoughts..

i just saw The Social Network which is sort of the reason why i am blogging right now. i saw mark z was fond of blogging and talking trash over his life and friends.

i admire how smart he must to be able to get into harvard and develop Facebook. but, no matter how sucessful he is, i just couldnt bring myself to admire what he had done to get himself where he is.

i think the key word there was 'integrity'. he may have had superior talent to get himself to the point where he is now, but it is just sad. i just could not imagine he can sleep at night knowing how sold out his friends, and more importantly, he threw away his integrity. i dont how respectable eduardo is, but it felt to me like he treated mark a friend all the way to the end.

hahaha!

why in the world am i blogging about this?! i have no clue. i should just stop.

maybe just one last point - at the end of the day, what defines a person is where he or she is now, it is how did he or she get there. to me personally that is very important.

25, that is how old i am right now.

and where am i? this is not where i imagined myself 4 years ago when i finished college.

i remember people telling me that i am meant for great things - but now i am beginning to question that maybe those were just empty words and had no basis at all.

but i have to give credit to myself. i have accomplished so much already. i have gone so far from being a son of a high school teacher and a government employee. i remember in high school i wantd to be an environmentalist and join DENR or any organization that would help rehabilitate the environment. after all, i have a green thumb. if there anything that i was good at, more than academics, is making plants grow.

studying in manila opened my eyes to more opportunities.

a person can only make plans and attempt to do things that would bring them closer to their end goals.

again, i am at a point where i am brought closer to what i really want to do. the only difference now it that the feeling of failure is familiar. i have failed on my first attempt and i am scared that history would repeat itself.

i was not very disappointed the first time because as they say - that was something i could charge to experience. an experience where i could pick up lessons from - what to continue and what to avoid doing.

but my question is - when do you stop? when do you stop believing? when do you inflicting pain onto yourself? how will i know?

those are questions that you nor other people have answers to. you only need to make a choice.

nothing beats the fact that it is a story of a dog in japan in the early 1900s adapted by hollywood with actor richard geere.

i have to honestly say. this movie made me cry. haha

i dont know what happened but i just allowed the deadline to pass me by. am i really satisfied to the point that i just forgot the things that i had planned for myself for years? i have done so much to prepare for it but i was surprised that i just ignored it.

i guess i am satisfied.

i am satisfied 'for now', i believe. i have big dreams but i think its time to just ride the waves 'for now'.

i am trying out something which i should have started a long time ago. i thought about this before i had those big plans. maybe this is what i am supposed to do first.

i am waiting for an affirmation by july. once i get this then it is game time.

which is why i am calling this entry - back at one.

i know in 'meet the robinsons' they said to keep moving forward, but there are times wherein you have to be bold enough to also look back and re-trace your steps. maybe you have been too focused at moving forward that you failed to realize that you have overlooked other perfectly good plans. it may not be as exciting as the others, but one of them may be that one perfect plan that could lead you to achieve anything and everything.

i could just be making excuses... or not.